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LINKS
HOT LINKS     |
16/04/2019
I wished that someone told me my fly was open before this happened to me back in 1980!
In 1980 I was a 25 year-old aspiring stand-up comic who had spent months of performing "open mike" unpaid gigs in comedy clubs. I had also canvased the area's nicer restaurants with my flyers and business cards in hopes of getting any private function emcee work. This paid off as I did get a call from a nice seafood restaurant requesting my services as an emcee for a banquet the following Wednesday night. I was to perform and emcee for the annual Northeast Tupperware Dealers awards. Yes! The bigtime! And I was getting paid $25.00 too! I was to get all the details that night from the committee at 8:30 before the ceremony. I was very excited.
That following Wednesday unfortunately had me working overtime at my day job so I was running a little behind schedule. By the time I got home to my apartment it was 8:00. I took a quick shower, shaved, ate something quickly for dinner, changed into a suit and tie and rushed off on foot to my paying gig which was only 3 blocks away. I walked into the restaurant and was immediately greeted by this very friendly-looking, fifty-something, overweight woman with curly red hair who was running the show. She rattled off what this event was all about and how important the awards were etc. as she walked me into the private function room downstairs. I noticed the room was full of women, mostly in their fifties (the same age as my mother) and of all shapes and sizes. There were about 50 top producing Tupperware ladies from different nearby states standing around and mingling. This was the cocktail reception that would lead into my comedy show and awards portion.
The Tupperware chairwoman with the curly red hair brought me around the crowded room
introducing me to the other two women from her committee. What I didn't know was that my fly was down! I had no idea that I rushed out of my apartment totally unzipped! As long as I was standing still nobody could detect it was undone. I was soon being grabbed by the arm and pulled in three different directions by these three Tupperware ladies being introduced to various top selling Tupperware ladies. I felt like I was in a slow-motion square dance cris-crossing the crowded room and tightly squeezing by and rubbing against all these women. Within ten minutes both sides of my undone zipper gradually pulled apart without me feeling a thing. I was completely oblivious that my status went from my fly being down to it being open. Wide open. Yay me! Of course none of the Tupperware committee ladies noticed or anyone else told me anything.
As the cocktail hour progressed I noticed more and more women looking over at me and smiling. I just figured it was maybe due to the fact that they heard a professional stand-up comic was going to perform tonight or maybe because I was the tallest person there or the youngest or the only male in the room or that I was wearing an orange sherbet-colored polyester double-knit suit from last year's (1979) disco era or maybe they liked my cool Mr. Peanut silk tie? Boy, was I wrong! I did get some compliments on my retro Mr. Peanut tie as these ladies would walk away hiding their muffled laughter. I had no idea that my tie was like me wearing a giant arrow pointing directly down to my own "Mr. Peanut"! If I looked down my tie only blocked my line of vision and I didn't feel anything was wrong so I continued talking to my three Tupperware committee ladies with all of us blissfully ignorant that my fly was open.
Once the awards portion was beginning the ladies all took to their seats as the curly red haired woman stood at the microphone and welcomed everyone then introduced me. As I took to the small stage and removed the microphone from the stand, I received a pretty good applause and a strange level of snickering. I did my entire routine with my fly open and my Mr. Peanut tie pointing straight down at it! I was getting laughs! Lots of laughs. When I was wrapped up my comedy set I then presented the fancy framed certificate awards as one of the women from the crowd snapped photos of each winner on stage when I handed the award to them for their Tupperware newsletter. More laughter.
When it was all over I joined the three Tupperware ladies at a round corner booth where they scooted me over so I was pinned between them as the curly red haired woman handed me my check she whispered, "You were so funny! Did you know your fly was open the whole time? None of us noticed before. We had just noticed it when you went on stage but it was too late to tell you!" I just sat there and blankly looked at her before the words sunk in. The others were laughing too. I was frozen for what seemed like five minutes but then again immediately looked down and to my shock I saw she was correct! I was immediately mortified, humiliated and felt my face get red hot as I discreetly and quickly zipped up under the table. "Damn! No wonder they laughed!" I said. "Oh, you were very funny that only made you funnier!" laughed one of the women. I was just stuck sitting there dying.
"Well at least your birdie didn't fly! Ha!" laughed one of the ladies sitting in our booth. The others were shocked at what she said but immediately joined in her laughter. "Oh my God Julie! I haven't heard that phrase in years! I used to say that to my son when he was forgetful too!" added another Tupperware lady. When one of the ladies looked puzzled over this another woman leaned over to her and cupped her hand while whispering in her ear what a "birdie" was. Damn! My own mother used to call my thing a birdie too when I was a "forgetfully unzipped" boy! It must be a generational thing? Anyway, I watched the puzzled lady's reaction as she looked over to me. Now all these ladies started to feel sorry for me as they noticed how dejected I felt. One of the Tupperware committee ladies looked at me and said, "Oh come on, it's not that bad! So your fly was open. It happens. Let me tell you time that happened to my ex-husband..." Suddenly I was being held captive and being forced to listen to all these ladies telling me their favorite "open fly" stories about ex-bosses, ex-husbands, sons etc. I found myself quite aroused actually and was glad I was seated. I asked if the photos of me handing out the awards would show my fly being open and they agreed they would be cropped. Thank God for that at least. After that the party disbanded and we all went our separate ways.
In 1980 I was a 25 year-old aspiring stand-up comic who had spent months of performing "open mike" unpaid gigs in comedy clubs. I had also canvased the area's nicer restaurants with my flyers and business cards in hopes of getting any private function emcee work. This paid off as I did get a call from a nice seafood restaurant requesting my services as an emcee for a banquet the following Wednesday night. I was to perform and emcee for the annual Northeast Tupperware Dealers awards. Yes! The bigtime! And I was getting paid $25.00 too! I was to get all the details that night from the committee at 8:30 before the ceremony. I was very excited.
That following Wednesday unfortunately had me working overtime at my day job so I was running a little behind schedule. By the time I got home to my apartment it was 8:00. I took a quick shower, shaved, ate something quickly for dinner, changed into a suit and tie and rushed off on foot to my paying gig which was only 3 blocks away. I walked into the restaurant and was immediately greeted by this very friendly-looking, fifty-something, overweight woman with curly red hair who was running the show. She rattled off what this event was all about and how important the awards were etc. as she walked me into the private function room downstairs. I noticed the room was full of women, mostly in their fifties (the same age as my mother) and of all shapes and sizes. There were about 50 top producing Tupperware ladies from different nearby states standing around and mingling. This was the cocktail reception that would lead into my comedy show and awards portion.
The Tupperware chairwoman with the curly red hair brought me around the crowded room
introducing me to the other two women from her committee. What I didn't know was that my fly was down! I had no idea that I rushed out of my apartment totally unzipped! As long as I was standing still nobody could detect it was undone. I was soon being grabbed by the arm and pulled in three different directions by these three Tupperware ladies being introduced to various top selling Tupperware ladies. I felt like I was in a slow-motion square dance cris-crossing the crowded room and tightly squeezing by and rubbing against all these women. Within ten minutes both sides of my undone zipper gradually pulled apart without me feeling a thing. I was completely oblivious that my status went from my fly being down to it being open. Wide open. Yay me! Of course none of the Tupperware committee ladies noticed or anyone else told me anything.
As the cocktail hour progressed I noticed more and more women looking over at me and smiling. I just figured it was maybe due to the fact that they heard a professional stand-up comic was going to perform tonight or maybe because I was the tallest person there or the youngest or the only male in the room or that I was wearing an orange sherbet-colored polyester double-knit suit from last year's (1979) disco era or maybe they liked my cool Mr. Peanut silk tie? Boy, was I wrong! I did get some compliments on my retro Mr. Peanut tie as these ladies would walk away hiding their muffled laughter. I had no idea that my tie was like me wearing a giant arrow pointing directly down to my own "Mr. Peanut"! If I looked down my tie only blocked my line of vision and I didn't feel anything was wrong so I continued talking to my three Tupperware committee ladies with all of us blissfully ignorant that my fly was open.
Once the awards portion was beginning the ladies all took to their seats as the curly red haired woman stood at the microphone and welcomed everyone then introduced me. As I took to the small stage and removed the microphone from the stand, I received a pretty good applause and a strange level of snickering. I did my entire routine with my fly open and my Mr. Peanut tie pointing straight down at it! I was getting laughs! Lots of laughs. When I was wrapped up my comedy set I then presented the fancy framed certificate awards as one of the women from the crowd snapped photos of each winner on stage when I handed the award to them for their Tupperware newsletter. More laughter.
When it was all over I joined the three Tupperware ladies at a round corner booth where they scooted me over so I was pinned between them as the curly red haired woman handed me my check she whispered, "You were so funny! Did you know your fly was open the whole time? None of us noticed before. We had just noticed it when you went on stage but it was too late to tell you!" I just sat there and blankly looked at her before the words sunk in. The others were laughing too. I was frozen for what seemed like five minutes but then again immediately looked down and to my shock I saw she was correct! I was immediately mortified, humiliated and felt my face get red hot as I discreetly and quickly zipped up under the table. "Damn! No wonder they laughed!" I said. "Oh, you were very funny that only made you funnier!" laughed one of the women. I was just stuck sitting there dying.
"Well at least your birdie didn't fly! Ha!" laughed one of the ladies sitting in our booth. The others were shocked at what she said but immediately joined in her laughter. "Oh my God Julie! I haven't heard that phrase in years! I used to say that to my son when he was forgetful too!" added another Tupperware lady. When one of the ladies looked puzzled over this another woman leaned over to her and cupped her hand while whispering in her ear what a "birdie" was. Damn! My own mother used to call my thing a birdie too when I was a "forgetfully unzipped" boy! It must be a generational thing? Anyway, I watched the puzzled lady's reaction as she looked over to me. Now all these ladies started to feel sorry for me as they noticed how dejected I felt. One of the Tupperware committee ladies looked at me and said, "Oh come on, it's not that bad! So your fly was open. It happens. Let me tell you time that happened to my ex-husband..." Suddenly I was being held captive and being forced to listen to all these ladies telling me their favorite "open fly" stories about ex-bosses, ex-husbands, sons etc. I found myself quite aroused actually and was glad I was seated. I asked if the photos of me handing out the awards would show my fly being open and they agreed they would be cropped. Thank God for that at least. After that the party disbanded and we all went our separate ways.
Poster:
Kenny
